It is odd, China was the first time I have really been away since before I was actually married!! My goodness how much has changed since then! I can't imagine living in NH still? Not having the Dog?? There are days where I dream of quitting my job finding something I like to do but doesn’t stress me out and just be a normal person. Perhaps we could get another dog/cat… really thing about starting a family! I think it all comes down to deciding what I really really want!! Does it make sense for my husband and I to both keep working like crazy persons? We have a lot that we both love and enjoy in what we do, how does a person just decide to stop that?? Is there like a switch? Haha and what happens if we never find that “switch” and just keep going the way we are… would that mean we miss out on all the other stuff?
I don’t know. I guess I need to figure out what I want, now, and down the road… how will it all come together!? I know I have the most important part, and that’s my husband. I wouldn’t be able to do any thing I am with out him! It is just so hard to figure out all of the rest sometimes. We keep working so hard to get our house the way we want it, and to build for our future, but what is that future going to be?? I have just been pondering over all of that the last few days!! Not good or bad, but thinking. I think I would like to get through this year with all of the dockings and valuable experiences and then I think I would feel like I managed to accomplish something rather than just coming shore side after I had barely sailed at all. I don’t know, maybe that is what all of this is about for me? Feeling like I always need to some how prove myself??!! What is that about? Haha and how do I turn that off? Do I want to? It is so much a part of who I am! Maybe it is more that we need to position our selves in a way that we are able to do it all, and manage it!!? It has to be possible! Look at M and JD!? They are both professionals living abroad in China with a young daughter and still going to Thailand on vacation and managing to pull it all together! It is wrong to think that we should be able to do that too?? How do we start?? ;)
Maybe I should start by making a list. A list of things I want. Then go through the list and decide which ones are realistic, achievable, and which may not be able to happen and figure out if I am ok with that or not!
1) Complete the work in progress on our home before starting/jumping into new projects.
2) Dig my heels in and really work to gain some credibility with the people that I work with.
3) Go back to school for my masters degree
4) Start a family (this one terrifies me, I think I want this, but I’m so afraid of it I can’t help but avoid it)
5) Spend more time with my family, friends, and loved ones.
6) Be more physically active and dedicated to my overall health
7) Become more involved in the community and organizations.
I am very fortunate to live in an amazing area with so many amazing things around me but I have been so caught up in my immediate little world I haven’t been able to take the time to explore all of it. I want to be able to do that. I need to break out of my own shell enough to put myself out there even if it makes me feel incredibly insecure and exposed!
I feel like this big huge puzzle is in front of me… I have all the pieces, amazing husband, beautiful house, great friends and family, an interesting and challenging job, but I don’t have any idea how to put them all together into what I want to feel like I am where I belong. Or maybe I should say I have all the pieces but one really. I haven’t started my own family yet. (Is it pressure I am feeling which is making me so confused or my own fear? )
the strangest things go through your mind when you are away from everyone that you love and care about. This was written while I was in China but not able to do any posting. I still very much feel this way but I think I'm starting to get closer to making some decisions... that will be another post though! :)
